Why I've been so silent
from Badasscancerbabe newsletter August 2019..
When I started Badasscancerbabe I had a vision of sharing everything I was learning about wellness.
I was changing every part of my life to survive terminal cancer based on the factors outlined in the book, Radical Remission. I spent hours of intense healing 101 at the library, on the internet, and with healers. I came to believe that if I had adapted these changes 10 years earlier I may not have gotten cancer.
As a result, I wanted to change and touch as many people as I could with a message to make some lifestyle shifts before you needed to and if you had cancer, don’t give up hope.
So with enthusiasm and love, I shared my message. While I changed every part of my life: my deodorant, my house, my career, my cookware, I blogged and shared. I got a therapist. An acupuncturist. I saw mediums and psychics and astrologers. I became spiritual. I joined a church. I wrote about it all. But in reality, I was using my overachieving, type-A personality to heal.
By fall 2018, I was two years into my remission and my mission. I felt great. I was getting published. I was invited to write a book with my hero, Dr. Kelly Turner. I was coaching. I was teaching. I had found you. And cocky me I thought I had healing all figured out.
To stay in remission, I never stopped the lifestyle changes I had made: I meditated, journaled, and exercised every day. I ate a clean diet and took supplements. My therapist and acupuncturist were as much a part of my life and my friends that I was increasingly relying on and trusting.
But what I hadn’t changed in those two years was ME. My overachieving, type-A, workaholic core personality. I had improved many habits, sure, but I was still measuring my worth in how much I accomplished in a day. I slipped into my old overachiever ways like you slip into your favorite worn jacket when the first chill hits the air in September.
Working. Doing. Checking things off the list...for people like me, getting stuff done is as addictive as heroin is to an addict.
When I slipped on that old warm jacket of workaholism, I slipped back into contributing factors to my cancer. All of a sudden my self-induced stress and fatigue from over-excitement wore me out. I unknowingly and unwittingly gave the cancer cells a chance to grow again by mucking up my terrain.
As a result in December 2018, I was diagnosed with third recurrence of terminal cancer. RIGHT as I was co-authoring my first book. The time in my life when all my dreams were coming true was also the time my worst nightmare reared its head. The cancer beast was back and the doctor didn’t even bother giving me a prognosis. I was just to understand by the look in his eyes that he thought this was the beginning of my end (again!).
But I had this healing thing figured out, right? I had already healed terminal cancer, right? I thought I could type-A my healing again. I got a new naturopath to heal naturally since conventional medicine had no options. I enlisted a new nutritionist who took me into hard-core therapeutic ketosis. I tripled my self-care. I continued to joyfully write a book and waited for my body to catch-up with how wonderful my mind and spirit felt.
But cancer is humbling. It laughed at my efforts and has brought me to my knees in surrender. Since May I have been crippled with growing tumors causing obstructions in my bowels/kidneys and a series of infections.
I still believe in my mission and that this recurrence is happening so that I may be a better teacher someday to my fellow workaholics, cancer patients, and the medical community. But I simply don’t know what the universe has planned.
Today I fight for my life because I refuse to give up. I want to live until 2060 when I’m 88 (because it’s a good angel number) and my son is 53 and I will have had time to help him raise his children. But I can’t do it alone or all naturally. The cancer is too aggressive. I have found a cutting-edge doctor, Dr. Mark Rosenberg, in Boca Raton, FL that I believe uses forward-thinking therapies that will get me to a long term remission. Because none of this treatment is considered “standard of care” it comes at a high cost. I estimate a full 12-week treatment cycle will cost $75,000.